My Dreams are Lazily Cast Aside by my Lazy Fears…Lazily

I feel like it is a fraud that anyone else reads this.  It is not upsetting, because it was supposed to be the essence of this.  I have a few corners of the internet I call my own, and this is my most relevant one at the moment.  

The world I live in follows a very clever formula.  There is the world I live in (mainly my house), and the world outside.  There is little interaction between the two.  I have made an insignificant impact on the greater world, the planet I live on, and according to my fears, that is perfectly fine.

My greatest dreams are not success or fame, but a greater impact on the world, leaving it a better place than I entered it in, and selfish happiness.  I have dreams of being in a band that is successful enough to sustain me, so I may be as creative and expressive as I hoped I could be, along with it being able to be something I could rely on for the occasional meal.  I have dreams of providing the world with clean water, or at least to be a part of a team or a project capable of doing this.  I don’t know how I would be able to pursue this at this point, seeing as I probably wouldn’t be able to get in the door at any organization who would be working on this.

This is lazy thinking, and also fueled by a fear of mine.  A fear I have never really recognized until recently, when I was making a phone call.  I was calling my girlfriend a couple days ago.  The phone rang twice, and an unfamiliar female voice answered seemingly in the middle of a sentence.  She said, “you can’t hear me,” and I didn’t hear anything else.  I hung up, and felt quite nervous.  I called my girlfriend right back, and got her voicemail.

I called her again later in the same evening, when another indistinguishable female voice answered.  I didn’t understand what she said before I hung up in a minor panic.  I called my girlfriend back, and she answered.  I talked to her and told her what happened.

I thought about what happened after I hung up my phone with her.  This was something that was not uncommon to me, and is not altogether uncommon.  When I was young, the tone preceding, and the operator’s mechanical voice that followed a misdialed or misconnected call always scared me.  One time I was playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and in the Spring Yard Zone I fell into a crevice.  Sonic then proceeded to disappear, the game froze, and text appeared on the screen. I don’t know what it said, because I was too busy freezing myself, then running for my life back to my room.  I didn’t even turn the game off.  20 years later I still remember this clearly, though I don’t remember much else from that time.

It is the fear of order being shaken that I am talking about.  It’s common enough.  It is something I never thought I was afraid of, but something that has been prevalent in my life forever.  It is the reason I ask questions like I did in a previous post, about aliens landing on Earth.  It is the fear of the disruption of order that drives most of those reservations of mine.  

It is also quite a lazy excuse for not trying to achieve my dreams, and not an viable one.  

It is also the reason I have sat for so long at my house, and not pursued anything greater.  Comfort, order, and laziness.

This is not who I want to be, nor is it what I wanted to ever be.  IF I could ever be successful, it requires that disruption of the world I see on the TV.  It requires me to not just be an audience member to the world as theater, but to be an actor; an active participant.  I need to be on the TV, not staring at it with fear of the show changing without my control.

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