I feel like it is a fraud that anyone else reads this. It is not upsetting, because it was supposed to be the essence of this. I have a few corners of the internet I call my own, and this is my most relevant one at the moment.
The world I live in follows a very clever formula. There is the world I live in (mainly my house), and the world outside. There is little interaction between the two. I have made an insignificant impact on the greater world, the planet I live on, and according to my fears, that is perfectly fine.
My greatest dreams are not success or fame, but a greater impact on the world, leaving it a better place than I entered it in, and selfish happiness. I have dreams of being in a band that is successful enough to sustain me, so I may be as creative and expressive as I hoped I could be, along with it being able to be something I could rely on for the occasional meal. I have dreams of providing the world with clean water, or at least to be a part of a team or a project capable of doing this. I don’t know how I would be able to pursue this at this point, seeing as I probably wouldn’t be able to get in the door at any organization who would be working on this.
This is lazy thinking, and also fueled by a fear of mine. A fear I have never really recognized until recently, when I was making a phone call. I was calling my girlfriend a couple days ago. The phone rang twice, and an unfamiliar female voice answered seemingly in the middle of a sentence. She said, “you can’t hear me,” and I didn’t hear anything else. I hung up, and felt quite nervous. I called my girlfriend right back, and got her voicemail.
I called her again later in the same evening, when another indistinguishable female voice answered. I didn’t understand what she said before I hung up in a minor panic. I called my girlfriend back, and she answered. I talked to her and told her what happened.
I thought about what happened after I hung up my phone with her. This was something that was not uncommon to me, and is not altogether uncommon. When I was young, the tone preceding, and the operator’s mechanical voice that followed a misdialed or misconnected call always scared me. One time I was playing Sonic the Hedgehog, and in the Spring Yard Zone I fell into a crevice. Sonic then proceeded to disappear, the game froze, and text appeared on the screen. I don’t know what it said, because I was too busy freezing myself, then running for my life back to my room. I didn’t even turn the game off. 20 years later I still remember this clearly, though I don’t remember much else from that time.
It is the fear of order being shaken that I am talking about. It’s common enough. It is something I never thought I was afraid of, but something that has been prevalent in my life forever. It is the reason I ask questions like I did in a previous post, about aliens landing on Earth. It is the fear of the disruption of order that drives most of those reservations of mine.
It is also quite a lazy excuse for not trying to achieve my dreams, and not an viable one.
It is also the reason I have sat for so long at my house, and not pursued anything greater. Comfort, order, and laziness.
This is not who I want to be, nor is it what I wanted to ever be. IF I could ever be successful, it requires that disruption of the world I see on the TV. It requires me to not just be an audience member to the world as theater, but to be an actor; an active participant. I need to be on the TV, not staring at it with fear of the show changing without my control.